Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wedding Bell Blues

I've been married for almost 28 years. That's right, Go Me...and him too of course. Anyhoodle..I was having a conversation about weddings with my son (he's in a wedding this weekend) and we were talking about how crazy expensive it is to host one. People are spending way too much. In some cases you could buy a house for the same amount. I had large wedding for a small town. I have no idea what it cost. I didn't have much to do with the preparations, I just kinda showed up. I would do it differently nowadays. It would be very small and intimate. And not a lot of hoopla.
My wedding was very pretty though. I had six bridesmaids. And actually that was because my husband had that many groomsmen he couldn't do without. It was a lovely ceremony. Although the minister was a real stick- in- the mud. He refused to say" You may kiss the bride". So we had to remember that after he announced us as husband and wife, that's when we could kiss. Well my husband plain forgot when the time came. I said "Hey aren't you going to kiss me?" Everybody laughed.
Then came the reception. Champagne fountain and keg. Everybody was having a grand old time. All of my mother-in-law's friends (that had seen my husband grow up) at one time or another during the reception, came up to me and said "You take care of him, he's very special". Not one person came up to him and told him to take care of me. Isn't that sad? Then it was time for the Father/daughter dance. By the time we got around to it, my dad had sampled the champagne quite a bit. He decided to get fancy and dipped me. He was thrown off balance due to the giant float-like wedding dress and dropped me. Then he fell on top of me. I was knocked unconcious and then grew a huge knot on the back of my head. It didn't seem to put a damper on the merry-making for any of the guests. My new hubby and I left soon after the accident. And to his dismay I had a headache on our wedding night.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

You're a bug on me.

As I've mentioned before, I've been taking a daily morning walk with my son. This morning on our way back home, we were passing this spooky wooded area. All of a sudden a very large, creepy, unrecognizable bug zipped out from the woods and flew around us It then landed on my son's crotch. I screamed: Oh my God there's a giant bug on your crotch! He looked down, swatted it away and screamed: It's huge!!! And I replied The bug or your crotch? He, of course said his crotch. Everytime he looks down it surprises him how enormous it is. I'm so glad he has high self esteem!

Friday, July 25, 2008

I heart lists!

Things I've seen on my 8 minute journey to work

  1. Many squished squirrels and ruined possums
  2. Bad Konigshofen Water Park (that's the name, I don't think it's really bad)
  3. 2 speed traps that usually have someone stopped and getting a ticket (I've been one of those poor souls)
  4. Garage sales aplenty
  5. A man in walking shorts, suspenders (which suspiciously looked like liederhosen), white socks, brown shoes and a black chapeau with a feather. (no lie)
  6. 2 Baptist churches (hey I live in the south)
  7. 3 donut shops (hey I live in the fat south)
  8. A large and I mean large painting of a matador in an ornate gold frame that had been put out for the garbage man. ( why oh why didn't I stop to pick up that treasure?)
  9. The monastery where the nun bones were displayed on the Nun Bones Tour of 1999
  10. 3 gas station/minimarts and 1 regular grocery store
  11. 7 donkeys (2 of which are darling little baby donklettes)
  12. Several goats being arrested by the police...or they were being rounded up by the police (they're pretty dangerous goats)
  13. 1 trailer court (hey I live in the fat trashy south)

Monday, July 21, 2008

Wanna pet the ferret?

A couple of years ago I was in Seattle with my husband and best friend. We decided to be tourists and go check out Pike Place Market. It's such a cool place to explore. We found a place to park the car a couple blocks away and started walking. We had to wait for the light to change to cross the street. Now here is a little quirk about me....I attract strangers. I think it might be because I make eye contact, or I give off a friendly aura, who knows. So of course I make eye contact with a man. He was cupping a knitted cap in his hands. Nestled inside the cap was a white ferret. "Wanna pet the ferret, it's soft as a kitten" he says to me. " thanks". He was wearing a handmade pretend I.D. tag around his neck claiming he was from some "Save the animals" group. He begged us for some money, we said no and Thank you Jesus the light changed. We went on our way. Well our little group had a lovely time checking out all the funky vendors and kooky little shops. We had lunch at the Athenean Cafe. (The one from Sleepless in Seattle). A guy dressed in a pirate costume came and asked us if we had found his lost cell phone. It was quite an interesting afternoon. We then decided to go down to the waterfront. You have to wind your way down and take a weird creepy elevator, but eventually we made it down there. We walked along and were enjoying the view. My husband spotted an ice cream shop and decided he was in need of a refreshment. My friend and I were just enjoying the view. And guess who I make eye contact with? You guessed it. Ferret Man. He comes up to me and says "You wanna pet the ferret, it's soft as a kitten". "Um thanks". Hey... did that seem like a deja vu? But.... now he adds that this ferret really needs our donations, because he had rescued it from a crack house. That's right, the ferret had grown up in a crack house and was addicted to crack. Not only that, it was now mentally retarded, due to the damage from the drugs. Luckily some children happened along and were totally thrilled to pet the "soft as a kitten, crack addicted, retarded ferret". We quickly made our escape. A couple of months later my son and I came up with a rap song about the incident.
With this ferret you'll be smitten
Cuz he's soft as a kitten.
Stay away from his mouth or you might get bitten.
Cuz this ferret's on crack,
and he might attack.
This ferret is awesome, but you better watch your back.
So won't you start,
opening your heart.
This ferret needs your money, cuz he's mentally retarded.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Damn dirty apes.

When I was growing up, my friends and I would go to the movies each time the picture changed. This was back when they had to deliver the film in a covered wagon I guess, because a double feature would play in our single screen theater for weeks to months at a time. I remember being so excited standing in line to get my ticket to see Planet of the Apes. I was with my best friend J. at the time. Being the polite and nice friend that I was, I let J. cut in front of me. Uh oh....forshadowing....
So we watch "Planet" and yes, we were totally titilated by Charlton's naked butt flashing for one second as he dove into the lake. And we were totally devastated when we saw the crumbling buried Statue of Liberty at the end.
The first movie ended and then there was intermission. Oh isn't old timey stuff sweet? Anyhoodle during intermission the theatre management had a raffle drawing for prizes. The movie tickets were raffle tickets. The big prize was a purple Stingray bike with butterfly handles and a purple sparkly banana seat. Oh my dream bike. Can you imagine what it would look like with an STP sticker plastered on the seat. Fabulous. But...guess who's ticket was drawn for the big prize.....that's right--J's ! Um...what? That beautiful bike should have been mine...Mine I tell you! I was in front of her in line and my stupid manners got the best of me and I let her get her ticket first. J. was super excited to win it. Well sure she was. But why didn't she realize that beautiful bike was rightfully mine. Oh, I acted totally happy for her but my heart was breaking in two.
I eventually got a purple bike...An upright Schwinn with a regular seat. And don't get me wrong, I was grateful for it. My parents gave it to me as a birthday gift. Please don't think dang...what a spoiled brat. But it wasn't a stingray. It didn't have butterfly handles. No banana seat. Some things you just don't get over.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A rose by any other name...etc

From all the stories that my mother has told me about my childhood...well um I guess I was pretty imaginative...maybe even a bit quirky.
When I was very little, we're talkin' 2-3 years old. I played a game where I would fall to the ground dying. I was a dead duck, shot by a mean cowboy. The only way to bring me back to life was to feed me a dead duck pill. Duh, makes sense to me. My mother always saved me. I mean, who wants a dead duck in their living room? No matter how cute and little. I also liked to pretend that I was a puppy. My mom hated it when I would lick her ankles. She still hates it for that matter...weird.
When I was only 3 years old, so take that into consideration, okay? I had a baby doll. I loved my dolly very much. I wanted her to have the most beautiful name befitting a beloved family member. I named her "Manure". Remember when I told you I was only 3? It sounded lovely to me. Almost a melodic sound to the name. My sister came upon me rocking my little Manure and singing her a little manurey lullaby. She was horrified.She rushed downstairs to find our Mother and to tell her what I had named my baby. Mom came up to my room and explained to me that maybe Manure wasn't quite the right name for my beloved doll. "It means horsey poop." "You don't want to call your dolly horsey poop, do you?" Well of course I didn't want to call my doll horsey poop. But I guess my memory wasn't quite developed because I reverted back to calling her Manure a couple of days later. It still has a nice ring to it....don'tcha think?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Meat Bouquet

Have you seen those stores or at least the ads for Edible Arrangements? They take fruit and cut it into the shape of different flowers and make beautiful arrangements that you can send to people. Instead of dying flowers, you get a fruity arrangement that you get to eat.....hence the name. Well I was thinking of the folks that maybe don't like fruit. What about the carnivores of the world?....How about an arrangement for them? You know how men love meat!Well Ta Dah! I came up with "Balogna Rose"! The edible meat bouquet. Just think of the possibilities. There are so many different kinds of lunch meat and so many ways to make them into a pretty and delicious arrangments.Think about sending a loved one a dozen roses made out of balogna. Now that says love, don't you think? I don't have all the details worked out yet, or the investors, or the balogna. But it's on the horizon folks.....oh yes it is! Mmmmmmmm, balogna!