Well today I feel like crap. I am suffering (and I do mean suffering) from TMJ, which I believe stands for Total Motherfucking Jaw-pain. Yeah, I know I added a p-word but whatever...I don't feel good. It makes it so my neck and shoulders are locked up too. I took a muscle relaxant last night. All it did was make me feel like I'm under water. I'm sorry for complaining....Wanny wanny woo woo.
The end!

Dumbassary

Gosh...so I totally suck at having a blog. Writing does not come naturally to me, so I put it off and put it off and put it off until I feel horribly guilty. Like I don't have enough guilt in my life. I'm not blaming anyone for the guilt. I do it to myself. Stupid, I know....but I can't seem to kick that habit.

Ok so on to something else. I locked myself out of my office today. Wheeeeeeeee...someone ate a retard sammich for lunch. Yeah...so every morning when I get to work I throw my keys into my desk drawer. However...there is another cluster of keys in that drawer that unlocks all the filing cabinets. Today I was all alone in the office. I was on my way out to make a bank deposit. Yay me. I grab my keys (without looking at them...foreshadowing) and turn the lock on the doorknob. I shut the door and look at the keys in my hand....Oh Crap. That's right, I picked up the filing cabinet keys. I tried cranking the doorknob...like that's going to do anything. I tried using all the keys in my hand...no, they are for the filing cabinets. Boo me! Anyhoodle luckily I was able to contact someone to rescue me and now I am safely at my desk. Wow what a totally inane story. Welcome to me!

Whoooo are you, who who who who.

For the last few weeks my husband has been transferring our home videos onto dvds. It's been great fun watching the kids grow up again. Yesterday when I got home from work he was watching one of our son when he was about 15 months old. I must have just gotten done bathing him because he was running around the living room stark naked. He loved to be naked. I believe babies are nudists at heart. The music playing in the background was I'm Free by The Who. (which happens to be his favorite band now) He was frolicking and dancing to the music. Absolutely adorable!

I went down the hall to see my now grown up son. He happened to be wearing his concert t-shirt from The Who.
Me: I was just watching the "baby you" dancing around naked to I'm free.
Him: Some things never change.

Things you may or may not know about me. Part Deux

21. I started a monthly book club 11 years ago and have only missed reading 6 or 7 of the books.
22. I played with Barbies until I was 13.
23. Jigsaw puzzles are my own personal Hell.
24. I invented the Owl. (story for later)
25. Been married for 28 years.
26. I currently have 4 tattoos
27. I try to like it, but I hate to exercise.
28. I love the mighty monkey from Archie McPhee.
29. I can pick things up with my toes.
30. I'm emotionally pourous-an empath, if you will.
31. I read my horoscope almost daily.
32. Raw spinach hates my tummy.
33 I love the movie Centerstage.
34. I collect religious statues.
35. Strangers feel compelled to tell me their life stories.
36. I love vampire stories. Hello Charlaine Harris! I think you're Fab!
37. Creating art makes me happy.
38. I kiss my dog on the bridge of her nose between 6 to 10 times a day.
39. Pajamas are my favorite thing to wear.
40. I can burp on command.

Things you may or may not know about me

1. *I don't like to be accused of ordering popcorn when I didn't. * see earlier post*
2. If I had a donkey I'd name him Hodie.
3. I don't care for apricots. I'm not anti-apricot, more like Pro-choice apricot. I choose not to eat them.
4. I love Justin Timberlake!!!
5. I can easily spend 4 to 5 hours wandering around Barnes and Noble.
6. I wish I was smarter than I am.
7. I love my family so much it makes my heart hurt.
8. I have 2 compressed discs in my neck. Owwweee!
9. I didn't swear much before and now I have a bit of a potty mouth.
10. Mt left pupil is larger than my right. So when my eyes are dialated I look a a bit like Earthworm Jim.
11. Lies make me sad.
12. I like to give presents more than receive them.
13. I love getting presents.
14. I contradict myself a lot.
15. I have panic attacks in the middle of the night.
16. I make up and sing songs to my dog all the time.
17. My dog loves my singing.
18. I treasure my Tide pen.
19. I use the word retarded a lot.
20. I just spilled coffee on my right breast and the stain is in the shape of Africa.

More to come! I bet you can't wait!

Death of a Salesman

Yesterday my husband, son and I were spending a leisurely day watching t.v. when all of a sudden the doorbell rang. I went to answer the door. It was the freaky neighbor kid standing there holding an enormous box of popcorn. Our family has a history with this kid and his whole family...and just believe me when I say they are a bizarre bunch. Anyhow, the kid says something about a fundraiser. I stopped him and said (very nicely mind you) "I'm not interested, but thank you". He looks at me quite contemptuously, especially for a 12 year old and says "What?"
Me: Um thanks but I don't want to order anything.
Him: WHAT?
Me again: I'm not interested in ordering any popcorn, but thanks.
Him: You already ordered some, this is yours. Shoving the giant box toward me.
Me: Uh... I didn't order any popcorn.
Him: Yes you did.
Me: No, no I didn't.
Him: YES YOU DID!
I look over at my husband and ask him if he ordered any popcorn. He says no.
Me: No one here ordered any popcorn.
He turns to his dad who is sitting in a car with the window rolled down and screams "THEY SAY THEY DIDN'T ORDER ANY." He turns back to me and says " YOU DID! AND I CAN PROVE IT!"
Me: Okay...prove it.
He ran to his dad and got his order form and then ran back. He mumbled and scanned the form.
Me: Can I see the form?
He handed it to me. My name is not on the form.
Me: My name and address are not on your list.
Him:DAD THEY SAY THEY DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING!!!
Me: I'm not on your list!
Him: YOU DID, YOU DID ORDER!!!
Me: I"M NOT ON YOUR LIST!!!!
His dad tells him to stop arguing and get in the car. He stomped off in a huff.
Me: GREAT SALESMANSHIP YOU'VE GOT THERE.
I closed the door, exhausted by the bizarre exchange. The whole experience left me feeling really icky. Here's a tip: Next time your doorbell rings, look through the peephole, and if the freaky neighbor kid is standing there holding popcorn....DON"T ANSWER IT!

Me no write so good

Crippity Crappity...I suck at blogging. I'm so sorry I have neglected my um.....2 readers. Anyhoozles....I am going to get back and write something...uh but not today. Please stay tuned for something equally lame as before. Yay me!